no NO bad BAD
There he is. A word, a cover name. A disguise. Whatever. I’m not expecting it, and then there it is. I feel my heart beat faster, I begin to just act and not think, I tell myself to calm down. I tell myself that this is bad. I tell myself to turn off.
A few minutes pass by and I calm down. I know you’re aching. I know. I know. I know. I know that I can’t be apart of it because…well because. So I let others get involved. Not that it matters, I’m not even a missing player, I’m sure.
I turn over to stone again, forgetting that there is someone out there that can turn my body into nothing but aching heat. Forgetting how bad the wanting can be. Remembering it is one sided, an issue I have to work out so it never consumes me. It’s OK. I have this stone cold thing DOWN.
“What’s worth the prize is ALWAYS worth the fight”…C’mon, let’s not get lazy here.
After a sunny start to this week, it is now full of rainy mornings and gray afternoons. The photographer wanted to meet for lunch today, drove all the way from Cincinnati to a Skyline near me, and I stood him up. I am uncomfortable with where this relationship has gone, I am saddened that a friendship had to go and be ruined due to some attraction from his side, and I do feel guilty after the kindness he had shown me. But I am feeling very loyal to Dustin and instead had lunch with him. He was lookin’ extra good today…he has just been so sexy to me lately. Our sex life is back on track, with some fun romping every night, and even once this past weekend on a kitchen chair that was spontaneous and so arousing.
I feel guilty though because despite it all, he was fun to work for and I wanted to do some outdoor nude shoots with him. He was kind, talented, and things just got misunderstood. I am suffering from some guilt, but I will try to find a way to explain to him that the reason why I stood him up was because of this. He has been so sweet to me…but I must not stress over this. I have chosen priorities now…and I know that what I did was what felt right. Although meeting him for lunch and explaining how I felt would have worked too. Oh damn my dislike of confrontation.
Spring feels extra magical this year. It is entering slowly, with some muggy days followed by cool rainy ones. It is teasing us, knowing how badly we want it! I don’t know why this spring feels so different. Maybe because it’s the first riding season I’ve entered with a full fledged love for sportbikes, and this past March has marked me having my motorcycle endorsement for a year, or if it’s because I am spending it as an adult trying to figure out finances more and having the responsibility of a dog and a relationship, or if it’s because it is the first time in my life where friendships and possibilities and adventures feel abundant. Maybe because I am still experiencing so many new things, and I am on some kind of high. Even the lows I feel and the homesickness that sometimes plague me are small compared to the independence and overall badassness that I feel. Maybe I still try to find self worth in the horny texts and words of random men (which I don’t reply to, but which still keep coming) or the fact that I have 2 female friends, one in Indiana and one in Wisconsin who text me throughout the day and seriously have my back if I ever need help…or remembering the budding independence I felt running alongside Lake Michigan this past fall. Everything feels beautiful.
I love life, even when it is difficult. I love life even when it’s sad. I love life when I struggle, I love it when I feel I can’t take one more step because I am too tired of fighting, too weary, too lost. I love it because I always rise back up to take that one more step, to struggle, to see small fruits of my labor, to laugh and love one more second. I love that despite missing people who are far away or who I no longer talk to, that I can remember them and smile, that I can be grateful for what I had of them, and relish in the fact that the only thing constant in life is change. I find comfort in change. Nothing is the same, nothing is predictable and this is what makes me feel safe.
Keep the jokes comin’…I’m laughing hysterically.
Life has been interesting…
Yesterday as I rode around bitch on the ZX-6R, I felt supplied for. Life hasn’t been predictable…but yikes, what if it turned out that way? I wouldn’t have been happy. I love the curve balls I get thrown. I felt calm, knowing that I have always been taken care of and that would continue. Is it God? Is it fate? Is it loved ones I know in heaven working it out for me? Who knows? Who CARES? I know there’s something bigger than me, and I know that it comes down to me recognizing that I always have what I need around me or the tools to get what I need, and I respect whatever is in control. But that’s the extent of it.
I fell asleep feeling calm. So calm. I woke up to a phone call. I applied at a coffee shop a few weeks ago, and they wanted an interview. After working at the MDA and being all uptight, I loved the atmosphere of the shop’s headquarters. So laid back and friendly. My interview went so well, I was hired on the spot. I will work 4am-12pm at their shop in the airport, and I am excited. I get to learn stuff I don’t know, and it makes me feel connected to my sister.
Supply. In weird forms, in unseen turns. I love it.
Felt lonely today, even after Dustin came home. We ran some errands, and tried to mellow out our hyper dog. Right now he’s running big circles in our house!! EEEKKK!!!! Oh Dustin just chuckled at him as he slid on the rug. Silly doggie.
I made homemade cheese pizza, so good. Plus I love that I can control the ingredients that go into it. Then we dug out the mud hole in his sidewalk out front, and I took off my shoes and dug with my hands and let worms crawl on my arms and felt young and content. I used the hose to wash the mud off and squirted it at Desmo a couple of times. I saw my reflection in the screen door…I felt content with my body. I walked in and am now relaxing while texting to friends. Ah life, you keep me so amused.
“I’m learning as I go, don’t you know there are days when it hurts so bad?”
I will not go into the details of the messages I got back from Kirk…they were incredibly mean, words you doubt people who once “loved” you will ever say. They stung pretty bad, and I shed some tears over them. But really, what does that say about him? The words I sent to him had bitterness in them, but at least I composed them in as non-offensive way as I could. This was just pure out evil what I got back. Dustin was responsive to my hurt self esteem right away, and spent the whole night calling me “Beautiful Jennifer” and giving me extra love. Soon enough, the words Kirk sent melted away as I looked around at the reality I have now, and I even laugh at Kirk’s life. Maybe it’s enough for him, but it could never be enough for me. I’m glad I got away.
I just cooked chicken a la range, green beans, and a french loaf I cut up and buttered, but I ate it all by myself. Dustin was down at the warehouse helping out a friend with his motorcycle. No prob. Corey talked to me on the phone as I cooked, and the food was good enough to keep me company. Tears gathered in my eyes as Corey talked about missing me. I guess I try to block out how much I miss her, because it hurts. But I always think about her. I see a gorgeous sky, I think about Corey. I blare music in my car, I think about her. Honestly, she is my soulmate. And I would give up anything and everything for her.
Desmo is laying on the floor, he has been such a silly boy today. He loves to eat grass, even though his new food goes down much better and we have been giving him medication for his ears AND his skin. So he is getting better. I was laying on the floor cuddling with him after Dustin got home, and I began thinking. We understand that he acts the way he does because he has been neglected in his short life. He is not used to having a yard he can romp in, he’s not used to getting exclusive attention from 2 people who wrestle with him and cuddle with him. And we take the time to help him adjust to give him special care. In the contract we signed, it talks about how for a month or so, you give your life to the dog as you help him get used to living with you. Most people treat their dogs this way, without any hesitation to dedicate a big chunk of their life to heal, help, and care for their pet.
But what about the people in our life? Whether it’s after a bad breakup, a death of a beloved, or just an event that causes insecurity or just doubt in humanity, why don’t we give the people we know the same attention?
Instead we get mad at them for being weak, yell at them when they misbehave, leave them behind if their problems are just too much. And sometimes we should, sometimes we must walk away to save ourselves, because honestly, life is about ourselves. BUT sometimes a tender touch, a kind word, that extra time given to nurture that person and the relationship you have with them…it goes a long way. Why don’t we treat each other like we treat the animals we give so much time and attention to?
Something to think about, at least.
Rainy days are here again…
I have been bothered by what Kirk told Corey when she hung out with him on her leave. So I messaged him this today:
Hi,
I would just like to say that, while it’s ok if you want to think you could, I would not have slept with you when you came over, and that was never something I thought about doing. I am actually quite loyal to my boyfriend and would never think of hurting him like that.
Also, you may think of me as a slut, but I am quite happy with my experiences and what I’ve learned from them. I did not sleep with everyone in sight, and this isn’t the 1950’s…girls are allowed to be with multiple men.
Of course, you can think of me whatever you like, but I just needed to address this issue for my own peace of mind. Don’t feel any obligation to respond.
I was upset due to something Dustin said last night, but just like always he wouldn’t stop caressing or rubbing my back when I turned away. He spooned me and whispered apologies and explanations in my ear. We ended up having sex. It was wonderful, and I realized that just like sometimes his words come out wrong, I overreact. I woke up feeling a little reluctant to get up, feeling defeated before teh day even begins. Life is so…perplexing. I am suffering from depression but I refuse to get on anti-depressants. I know they can work, but I don’t want to be reliant on them. I know life is good, I know I get happy, I know this is just a hard time. And I know I am strong enough to get through.
Today Desmo has a vet appointment, and we have to bring in a poop sample. Ah the glamourous life of having a dog. Right now he is staring up at me. About to being working out for the day so I can shower soon.
Having a hard time expressing what I’m feeling, so I’ll end here although I’m feeling a lot. No poetry in the fingertips today, I guess.
Girl Power Linkie :)
Check out this link…a fellow SBG member wrote it!! Badass!!
“I’m dwelling on things I’ve never noticed You won’t save yourself, you’ll never save me I only stumbled once for a moment, it was over I think I’ll close my eyes before I start to scream” One Less Reason
The weekend ends on a rainy note, after a couple of days full of sunshine. We got two more rides in, which made me feel so incredibly happy. We got up to 137 mph, I believe, and some incredibly low turns. I can’t wait until I can put on a jacket to go riding…I sure as hell am not living the strong belief I have in motorcycle gear!! I have noticed I have begu eating less, a direct reaction of being on the bike again. I like feeling light on that beast! And my arms are icnredibly sore from holding myself up against the gas tank, so I don’t go slamming too hard into Dustin. Great arm workout, though! I can’t wait until I can ride again on my own…
I have felt slimmer, sexier, and more laid back. I’ve stopped comparing myself so much to others, and instead make myself stop and remember that we are all different, and I HAVE to think for myself. I feel like I have no direction. I want to do something with my life, I just don’t know what. And that’s OK. I need to remind myself that’s OK. I just have to keep fighting, keep working, keep trying the hardest I can.
I am grateful for all that I have experienced, and only want to become more adventurous. I want to be stronger, calmer. I want to laugh more, appreciate even the moments where I feel lonely and sad…if I can’t feel those emotions, however can I fully appreciate the happier ones? I know soon I will visit Indiana again, have the CBR I lust over, and be trying even more new things and have more memories to cherish. Everything will be OK.
I’ve been trying to chronicle our rides more, so here are a few more pictures.
COREY and the KAWASAKI
It is gorgeous out, just like yesterday. Desmo has been a very good dog, and I am back to running frequently. Yesterday all I wanted was a bike ride. So I got Dustin to agree and he started up “da zixxer”, as Kat would say. We got on our helmets, and I hopped on the back. We found roads I didn’t know existed in Ohio, full of low turns. We got up to 126-130 mph, and the second time he was accelerating, and leaning low on the gas tank, meaning he was planning on going fast, the front tire went up. I am no stranger to wheelies, but this was a little suprising. We took some seriously low turns. All I do is lean and hope for the best. So much trust, so much adrenaline. Nothing makes me love life more than sportbikes. I am more determined than ever to work hard and get my own. And maybe someday a stunt bike. Oh my, the joy it gives me to think of that. Until then, I’ll just hope Dustin will give me a ride today. And then Desmo and I can go watch him work on a friend’s quad at his warehouse down the street. I put on my jeans today and they smelled like motorcycle…I just love the smell.
I saw my sister on Wednesday and…what can I say? I saw my twin, in pink high heels, unbrushed hair, and looking as gorgeous as ever. I love her more than anything and anyone. Seeing her feels like there has been no time in between. We fall in place so perfectly, and cry even harder when we part. I love her. I really don’t know what to say…I just love her more than I can say. I will hold onto that day I got to see her for a very long time. Nothing makes me feel more human, more emotional, more in touch with what’s real, than seeing my sister. She reminds me of who I am, who I want to be, and reminds me what I care about in life.
And about today? Well that is for me. But it’s funny to realize how much people care about you.
Ducati Dog…Desmo
I was dressed in my jeans and favorite skate shoes, had my makeup on, my hair brushed and ready, and my grungy hoodie on right when Dustin came home. We tried to act casual and calm, but our minds were set on what this early evening held for us. We got the leash and collar and got into the car. We got minorly lost trying to find the old hog farm that now housed a rescue shelter. We drove on a muddy road and parked in a muddy spot. I couldn’t get out…my Kat shoes would get dirty! Before we could even decide on how we would contact Jeff, the owner of this shelter, he came walking out of the shelter with Desmo in his arms.
Bigger than I remembered, prettier than in memory, Jeff laid Desmo in my arms. He didn’t bark, he licked my face, wagged his tail, all out of anxiety. I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. We finally began driving, getting the towel we brought under his butt, and I relished in the feeling of holding a dog in my arms.
He kept making Dustin smile as he tried to get in Dustin’s lap. He didn’t bark or howl or whine. We got the collar on him no problem and even the leash on too. It’s when he notices he’s on a leash that he sits between one of our legs and looks at us with mournful eyes.
We got him inside and filled his water bowl. He drank most of his bowl at once, but wasn’t hungry. Dustin and I made Easter leftovers for our dinner, and Desmo walked under the table and used my shoe as a pillow for a quick nap. He filled the house, made it a home. Our evening rotated around him, trying to make him use the bathroom outside, but instead he just wandered around, freaking out when he noticed the leash. We played with him, let him lay on us as we watched our TV shows, and tried not to feel bad as he howled in the laundry room while we piled in bed. Dustin and I lay spooning, talking to each other about how Desmo couldn’t whine all night.
Sure enough…he didn’t. He was good. At one point in the night I woke up to silence. Such a good dog.
I woke up earlier than an unemployed girl should due to whining. He had seen Dustin as he headed out for work, and he wanted attention. I got out of bed, fed him, and tried to let him poop outside. No such luck. He ate grass and pooped and peed inside. Oh the joy of cleaning up.
Dustin was always saying how he would be tough with this dog, to get it in line. How sweet then to see how mushy he gets around Desmo. The way he lights up and just laughs at the dog’s cute neurotic tendencies, such as when he was sneezing at the Oust. Desmo does add a lot of messiness to our house…he creates weird smells, small hairs, and scratches when he slips on the floor. But he makes it a place that I want to come home too, he reminds me that life isn’t about being neat and always in control. It’s about loving, being loved, and experiencing the responsibility we all have to care for others.
Another good thing in my life is that bike season is almost here! I have already told Dustin I want gloves for my birthday (only as an early gift, because my birthday is at the end of the season!) and I already know what jacket I want, and eventually I want a brighter helmet. I can’t wait to have my CBR eventually, where I can brush up my driving skills.
Life has been a whirlwind lately, not exactly falling into place like I had thought, wanted, or hoped. But there are good moments and events around each corner that keep popping up and suprising me even more because they are ones I never saw coming. I am trying to take each day as it comes, but I am such a dreamer that ponders what I really want out of the bigger picture. Getting a dog plants big roots here in Ohio. In fact I finally changed my network on facebook to Dayton. It scares me and thrills me. I doubt my ability to be loyal, even though I so want to be. I find that it is not natural, although loving is. Dustin is the boyfriend I have been searching for, the one who lets me breathe yet gives me so much love that at times I feel surrounded by such an understanding and compassionate love. It is wonderful.
I still have my major crush on the man I don’t want to talk about anymore, but I have utilized it for some great daydreams and artistic feelings in general. I am getting slightly frustrated at the photographer, my ideas for photos are beginning to clash with his. I just feel drained by so many people, and it’s hard for me to tell who I should leave behind and who is helping me grow.
I see my sister tomorrow in Indy! She will finally meet Dustin…and I can finally see her after 3 months of not. I am excited, yet nervous.
I finally know that the most important relationship is the one with yourself…Carrie Bradshaw would be so proud. But I am learning that I need to think first and foremost about myself…that’s not selfish, that’s survival.
Let it go, and hopefully you’ll be a bigger person because of it.
I’m not a huge country fan, but this song got under my skin.
Dustin found out about the photographer from this blog. He found it by accident and checked it yesterday. He came home and confronted me, while laying his head on my chest, caressing my skin. Yes, he is just that kind of person. The epitome of unconditional love. He was hurt by all the lies I had construed in order to keep him from knowing. I felt so ashamed. I could feel that shame burning on my cheeks, all over my body actually. I felt like I had sunk so low, to a person who was creating a trail of actions that did not speak for the person she felt she was deep inside. I do love touches and kisses and spontaneous moments of affection, but I have always valued loyalty highly. What am I doing?
We talked openly, lying side by side, interrupting our words for kisses. It was the closest we had been in days, maybe weeks. He said that I should stop meeting with the photographer for awhile, and if we did decide to do the outdoor nudity shots someone else would have to be present.
We made dinner together and even ran out for donuts from Jim’s donut shop (they have amazing coconut donuts) and I ended up drinking some flavored beer, getting slightly tispy, and we had the most amazing sex and foreplay that we’ve had in weeks. It was just what I needed.
We cuddled all night. I am not a huge cuddler, and usually roll away from such an embrace. But his skin felt so good, his body laying on his sore shoulder so he could spoon me…I just got addicted to touching last night. I woke up to sunshine pouring through the windows. We got up and had more donuts for breakfast. We got dressed, me in his army green shirt with white paint stains on it (I love how it has a boyish fit yet still is tighter around me) and my jeans (which are now loose on me again after awhile of being tight. My body is going through one of it’s stages where I don’t gain weight and lose it all in my sleep) and my skate shoes (from Kat, which make me feel like a badass bartender who takes pics of stunters LOL) and we drove to the hippie part of these parts.
It has all worked out and tomorrow we pick up a dog! It is Poncho, the dog we saw last Sunday. He has been on our minds all week. We talked to the Rescue group and pick him up tomorrow…on Easter! We have food, bowls, and a leash for him. He isn’t a small dog but he isn’t a big one either. He’s about 40 pounds and only 7 months. We are going to name him Desmo, short for Desmosidici…a Ducati motorcycle. We almost switched the blue theme we had going for a red one since Ducati doesn’t make blue bikes! But then we remembered he wasn’t manufactured by Ducati, so we could do whatever the hell we want. But if the Desmo is more or less a GP bike, does that mean if we write to Ducati about how we are repping their company, we’ll get free Moto GP tickets? Because that would be fucking awesome! LMAO!
I have to run now and then eat leftover chicken divan and then watch a movie. These are all musts.
I am learning, each day, how to take responsibility for who I am. Even the actions and thoughts which I may initially be ashamed of, I must take accountability for and even decide for myself if they are worthy to be shamed of. I am growing, creating, and always learning that you can be happy wherever you are, that you can always have what you want if you stop whining and go after it, and that nothing can make you happier than unconditional, non judgemental love, a day with warm sun, talking/looking at/ riding motorcycles, and doggies. That is all.
Ladygodiva3465's Blog 